apparently when i use tumblr, everyone disappears. but when i stop using it, everyone gets back on the bandwagon. i get it. bitches.

i’m anxiously awaiting a response from the DC teaching fellows, although i’m fairly certain that they will decide not to select me. they had only a few slots open, and while i felt i had a compelling and tactful interview day, i don’t think it was enough. BUT— let’s be positive and say that i have a fighting chance, and should they select me, i will face this challenge with my head high.

all that being said, should i not pack up my life and move to dc mid-november for an exciting new job as an elementary school teacher in DC, i’m kinda psyched to be working with Proctors in their Arts Education dept. They value me as an artist and teacher, and i love any opportunity to work in theatre and with kids, so it’s pretty awesome. which has led me to look into degrees in arts education and arts administration, and i’ve found one in (surprise, surprise) DC at American university. they have a great relationship with the kennedy center and other arts organizations, and i can see myself working hard, influencing arts policy and the public opinion or arts education in this country.

ok. i’m going to think positive. but also realistically. change happens when you least expect it. and the same can be said for love.

You don’t like Abortion? That’s fine. Then don’t pull federal funding that supports adoption agencies, pre-term healthcare facilities for those without insurance, sex education programs, contraception advocacy groups, social work clinics, out-patient care clinic, and every other system of public aid that support the millions of children every year who are abandoned and forgotten by scared girls and boys.

Also realize that while abortion is a gruesome thing, as long as you are proactive and educate your children and create an open and trusting environment, you will never have to worry about facing abortion. However, you cannot control the lives of every other person. That’s not legal, that’s not moral, and god-fucking-dammit, that’s not religious!

Conservatives advocate all the time (it’s pretty much the party’s doctrine) that the government should have less power in our lives. However, conservatives don’t follow their own doctrine (hence the rise of most independent and libertarian voters). Conservatives decry democrats for controlling their money (taxes) but conservatives do the same thing, except they funnel tax payer money into pointless wars that benefit their multi-billion dollar companies. AND, on top of that, they attempt to control, through legislation, what citizens can and cannot do. All parties do this, yes. But democrats (bastards as they are) try to diversify the depths and breadth of our rights, not infringe on them. They are not always successful, but conservatives have always been successful at controlling what we can and cannot do. This needs to stop. And abortion rights are the one thing that have always stood in the way of their attempts.

I myself would never advocate for someone to get an abortion (or not), however, I want my friends to have that right. I want that 15 year old girl out there right now weeping to know that she doesn’t need to keep the baby. I want us to have the right, because we’ve been robbed of our right to know, so we should at least have the right to act, to choose—life, or death.

i realize that most people struggle to take me seriously, and, for the most part, i’m usually considered some sort of outrageous person. however, i have my moments of solitude and desperation that define my contrasting personality. and, when i do manage to have an intelligent and thoughtful idea, i’d prefer for most people to not sound so shocked or surprised.

that being said, today was almost surreal in how boring yet beautiful it was. i listened to music, read the news, took the dog for a walk, had tea, and just chilled. it was great. just great. and in the midst of it, i had some clarity (something i search for but has constantly evaded me): i cannot compare myself to others, nor should they compare themselves to me. or anyone for that matter. i know that there is an alternative form of “philosophy” or social darwinism that says the westernized belief that we are all individual is bogus, and the deference of individual freedoms to the greater good should be advocated. those are all good ideas, because what do americans not need any more of? self-importance. however, we are different. it’s something i believe firmly, because, on  cellular level, we are made up of similar yet inequitable parts. my cells grow in the same process as you, but the root material was different (at least I choose to beliee this. mid-sentence i mind-traced that idea of source material back to, what else, the source, and theoretically we all came from the same thing. if you choose to believe that religious ideal.)

ANYWAY— different source material. it provides for different ways of being, and my way of living, being, acting is different from you. while i may envy you, particularly in times of emotional upheaval, i should never compare with the intention to a) weep for the lack of similarity and b) actively change so as to be LIKE you. if i find some alternative for myself in the contrast of our beings, then yes, i will make a change. for a mirror to the soul of a friend reflects the attributes we seek in ourselves. however, i will not change to resemble you. i will resemble me, just me wearing a caftan.

does this make sense at all? is it possible i’ve made a connection to someone out there and found a reason for writing this convoluted post? i hope so. kirk out.

well, i have not updated in quite some time. i’m not particularly sure why, although it’s due mostly to a prolonged period lacking in communication, time, and willpower.

much has happened, and yet nothing has happened. i feel good, am feeling better, and yet, as a whole, am not feeling good. it’s a weird phenomenon. to feel stuck in the present without a future. ironically, i tell myself that i need to worry less about the future and more about how i am presently, but the present is a conundrum. it makes me feel lost, and yet gives me hope. and the future can be, for me, both an optimistic being and a hopeless idea. i’m not sure of what to do. nor do i think i should be sure. it also doesn’t help that i am currently listening to a depressing and sanguine song that plays my emotions like an accordion.

at some point i would like to find someone to be with. someone to listen to me, to care about what i say, and to feel some compassion for me. i just want someone to be nice to me because they want to, not because they’re required by the laws of friendship to listen and play nice. if this person feels for me, even better.

every day that i search for an answer, i push myself back further. i’m fighting against myself, and no one is willing to tag in.

wow this became a depressing overture. i had no intention of doing so. i apologize. but sometimes venting is necessary.

i feel so alone.

the word for flowershop in spanish is “floristería”

the word for friend in spanish is “amigo”

and the word for lost in spanish is “perdido”

the word for found in spanish is…

encontrado.

help me be encontrado.